I think it’s a term I can own.

I was raised to believe that my identity is not my body- which honestly helps me in accepting that I felt different from the body I was given. But go even deeper and you find that this idea also manifested itself as “you have no right to change the body God gave you because it is not really who you are.”

Ok- still fine… but… I’m miserable! I can’t perform sexually the way That feels natural to me. My body is not naturally equipped for my sexual nature.

Until I learned that it IS- just my sex is located primarily inside my body. Which means it can still be accessed and stimulated, if I just think about sex differently. That masculine side of my sexuality is not inaccessible just because my cock is on the inside of my body. This is still a loss for me and hard to accept- because… fuck… I just want to stick my dick in a hole sometimes but it’s too tiny ?

And there is something to be said… for the fact that I cannot impregnate a person that I love deeply. Cannot create that life. It is a tragedy and a loss because I would probably be a father of at least two by now, considering my passions.

Now I am heart broken- and still hornier than ever. Testosterone really ups the anti with that. I want to fuck differently than I have- and it’s freeing that T is helping me understand my femininity and where it is still masculine. And also helping me understand how the distinctions and the line between the two are blurrier and blurrier by the day. These are qualities that compliment one another. My sexuality is masculine and feminine.

And I want to display that in my day to day. I want to be open about my sexuality in my gender expression- that’s why it is there. I want to challenge the regular folk and make them uncomfortable and make them have to think about their sexuality because we are all fucking repressed in America today. We are all angry. We are unable to see our humanity! And what better way to see it then to talk about our primal sexuality. Our pleasure. Our “perversions”.

The joy and pleasure that comes from our sex is spiritual and sacred and so fucking hot and hypnotic and sometimes addictive if left unbalanced (fuck it, who cares- get it, you horn dogs!).

As a person raised deeply in spiritual practice, and someone who has their own developed and evolving over time and I change- I am grateful to accept my perversions, my sex and sexually. I am grateful for the safe spaces and people in my life willing to help facilitate this growth and exploration, because this is terrifying.