There are two types of people who consistently contact me: Those who are too far away for anything to happen, and those who are randomly throwing out lines in the hopes of catching something. The desperation and lack of standards often makes me never want to experience kink or sex again.

The Long-Distance Lothario

I was recently contacted by a male half my age, who lived half a continent away, and whose interests didn’t match mine in any capacity.

When I asked him how often he traveled to my area (because that’s the first question I ask of someone when they’re long distance), he said, “I don’t travel there at all, but if we connect, I’m willing to move there.”

Wow! No pressure or anything!

This is someone with whom I had zero compatibility, who was willing to drop out of his master’s program in psychiatry, and move halfway across the country for someone he was hoping to get to know solely through online communication.

When I pointed out to him the ridiculousness of that entire proposition, he got upset, as many guys do when rejected, but he took it a step further: He accused me of racism because he’s black.

(Side note: I’m willing to consider a long-distance situation provided the person travels to my area on a regular basis.)

The Lazy Lay

“Hey. You’re local. Here’s my Kik”

Well drop my panties and set my pussy on fire! How could I resist such an enticing offer?

Very easily.

You know why bulk-messengers have trouble finding what they want? They suck at marketing themselves.

Those who can’t be assed to formulate an articulate, sincere message (and it doesn’t have to be novel length) are basically saying they have no standards, they care nothing about the wants or needs of the woman in whom they’re trying to stick their dick, and they’re a lousy, lazy lay.

Investing a little time will result in greater returns. Investing nothing will result in….you guessed it….your dick in your hand.

Desperation is the world’s worst cologne.