Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view. – Master Yoda
I have had cause lately to re-evaluate most of my beliefs and views on a wide number of topics. This began with my questioning the religion I grew up with a few years ago, and has led to the re-examining of much of my inner state. I ended up with a much more mature and reasoned faith after much intense study of a few religions, and some personal guidance from a few amazingly spiritual individuals.
But it led me to question everything else. What role does kink play in sex? What role does sex play in my life? Are my old beliefs still valid, or do they need a rethink? Now that I have a much better understanding of faith, how does that affect how I express my kinky or sexual self?
After throwing out the common interpretations of right and wrong inherited by my standard North American Christian upbringing, I ended up with a much better understanding of what I really believed. By diving head first into Judaism to understand Jesus better, I gained an in depth understanding of the misused rules that many people choose to live by. Basically, guidelines on how to live in community.
Now that my understanding of “Sin” has been transformed, not as a punishable offence for which we’re all going to hell, but an action which has actual consequences in the now, it changed my whole view on sex, kink, and who I am and how I express it. Another person has done me incredible wrong for which we both now have consequences to deal with, and that really confirmed my understanding of the idea.
My understanding of monogamy is no longer based on the typical patriarchal ownership, but on the beauty that can exist between two people. It’s much closer to the buddhist understanding of growing together in mutual support. I have had some amazing relationships, some sexual and some not.
My deepest and most intimate connection ever was not even remotely sexual, so how does that fit with my monogamous sexual relationship? If I am emotionally attached to another as well as my lover, is that monogamy? Maybe not, but my lover knew about my soul mate, and was not in competition with him. Maybe sexual monogamy does not imply automatic emotional monogamy, when the sexual relationship is different from the other relationships. I think what’s important is being open and honest with all parties involved, so any issues can be dealt with maturely. Is it all that different if the best friend is a guy verses a girl? It depends on the agreed upon boundaries, I think. We were designed to live in communities and small groups, and not alone with one other person, isolated from the outside world.
So, where does that put kink? To me, kink isn’t necessarily sexual, although it can affect my sexual behaviour. Many things I do and enjoy that are kinky I don’t find directly sexual at all. If I play with other people in a kinky way, is that going against my monogamous being? Not if my definition is sexual, then. We were not really designed for emotional monogamy, when talking about intimacy like you can get between good friends.
Do I play in kinky ways with my lover? You bet. Do I limit myself to only playing with my lover? Not for kink, only for sex. For example, I will play with rope with anyone I care about, but I only share full nudity with my lover, including in pictures. Not because I believe it is bad or immodest, but because that is something special between me and my lover. My own personal boundary.
Maybe I just need to redefine monogamy for me. I still very much honour exclusive sexual relationships, where both persons feel loved and valued and can grow together to be the best people they can be. It is special, but is not the only special relationship type out there. I know from experience that it is possible to have multiple special relationships at once, as long as they are different in nature. I’ve learned what I am comfortable with in a relationship and what I will tolerate, so I can be upfront with the people I care about and form healthy relationships that meet all my needs, as well as letting me care for others. Real community, the way it was meant to be, I think.