Let’s talk about an ugly truth in the D/s lifestyle. A single submissive is an easy target for predators.
Please don’t take me as meaning that all Dominants are predators. They absolutely aren’t. In fact, the majority of the true Dominants I have encountered have been very caring, thoughtful and loving people. As with any community, vanilla or other otherwise, there is always going to be a dark side.
I’ve found this to be especially true lately, while learning to navigate the community for the first time without a Dominant’s protection.
After losing my relationship with Him, I was determined to learn from my mistakes. I promised myself that I would learn and grow from this experience. One of the paths I chose to travel was to look for a mentor to guide me in this.
My idea behind finding a mentor was simple . . . I wanted someone with an outside perspective to lend me their clarity and guidance. I felt lucky to find a committed couple who engaged in the D/s lifestyle almost 24/7. This couple seemed to have a successful dynamic, but had admitted to facing many challenges along the way.
We met for coffee or dinner several times over the course of a few weeks. Each meeting, we would explore different topics. Sometimes I would bring up challenges we had faced in our prior relationship, and ask their outside opinions on how I could have better navigated those times. Others I brought up new ideas, and asked their opinions on implementing new thoughts and techniques in a new relationship with Him.
While I was very clear from the outset, that my intention was to work through my issues so that I could be a better submissive for Him and possibly create a new relationship with Him, over time my mentors began encouraging me to discuss His flaws and ways that He could have improved in our relationship.
Let me clarify for anyone confused. It took two of us to break down our relationship. However, it is not my position to criticize or challenge Him. I am here to learn and improve on myself FOR myself. He is an incredibly intelligent man and fully capable making his own corrections without my input.
Having my mentors begin to interject their opinion of Him into our discussions should have been my first clue. The second was their insistence I should submit to a new Dominant when I was so obviously not interested.
After bringing this up to my mentors, I shared wtih them that I was feeling more and more that they were pushing me to release myself from my bond with Him in order to serve them. Sadly, they confirmed my suspicions were correct. My mentors had begun to toy with the idea of bringing me into their relationship. Whether intentional or not, they took the opportunity to try and manipulate me into serving their own needs rather than my own.
Sadly, there are a lot of similar situations within the community.
I’ve received multiple private messages from so-called Dominants who are obviously not at all well versed in the lifestyle. A true Dominant is respectful and understands a submissive controls the power until they decide to give it to their chosen Dominant. In no way does being a single submissive mean I am available to fulfill every random kinkster’s request for someone to chat with, speak degradingly to, send unsolicited cock shots to, etc.
I’ve never had a true Dominant send me anything inappropriate, disrespectful or presumptuous.
I can only imagine how a more fragile and vulnerable submissive may become the victim of a predator online or even worse, in person. Someone new and curious about the community may get the wrong impression of the lifestyle if their only exposure to the lifestyle is meeting such creeps online.
True D/s involves trust, communication, respect and love. Regardless of how you practice your craft, I think most of us who strive to “normalize” the D/s lifestyle resent the darker element that tends to prey on others.
So, if you are one of the many who sends inappropriate messages in spite of a clear label NOT TO, congratulations. You are exactly what I’m talking about.