The number of times I have been asked this is just wild at this point…but every time it is asked, it does make me think. Why am I single/unowned at THIS stage. Each point in time I have been solo has been for different reasons…after a 15 year vanilla relationship ended it was freedom. After being committed to something that didn’t really fit for SO long it was like a baby bird finally learning to fly. I revelled in the open space, the potential. It was exhilarating, inspiring, intoxicating…looking back I should have stayed there longer, but the past is done.
After my first ownership, an M/s intense both for the newness and the complete control, it was because I was simply too broken. I was barely able to eat, couldn’t sleep a full night, I was an empty shell with none of me left. I was solo because I was struggling to survive it, to hold onto my sanity. It was in this period I found the people who kept me from falling all the way into that darkness, the ones willing to lend their strength so that I too could be “strong” enough to put one foot in front of the other. I was solo because I brought nothing to the table.
After my second ownership and to now – I fluctuate between finding that excited and energized me, and allowing the lessons of that second time, my DD/lg dynamic – to resonate clearly with the least interference.
Right at this point, I am still in flux. I am dredging up the remaining traumas, dragging them screaming into the light to be exorcised, setting new paths and goals, reshaping lifelong dreams into achievable steps. I am a long way from what I consider home, undecided where to base myself. A very big part of me however is happy with this current state. I have the love and support of those people who have been there when I couldn’t see a future. Sometimes it’s lonely, but I know all I have to do is reach out and I have hands to hold.
Ahead? When it’s time, when I am certain my demons don’t rule me, I hope I find that compatible person, someone to surrender to, someone to form that deep and diamond hard connection that will give the slave her cage and the little her joy.
For now? I’m ok with what I have. Remarkable people around me, a journey that while hard is more successful now than not, awareness replacing absolute naivety. I am solo but far from alone, and even further from wanting to compromise good enough in place of amazing.